Just yesterday I had a kind of
awakening. I already had the deep understanding that nothing exist
outside of me. But I struggled to have a direct experience of this. I
was thinking if it is even possible to experience this as a living
reality. Yesterday a shift happened for me. In and of itself it is
nothing spectacular at all. Nothing changes and I broke out into
laughter because it is so obvious that I was amazed at how deluded I
was before. I looked at nature and deeply felt that everything was
me, I was not removed from it anymore. It all happens within that one
awareness which is me. That of course does not change the experience
but it adds another layer to it. It feels like seeing through the
matrix.
No matter where you go or what you do,
it will always be an experience arising inside of you. And this is
probably true on the physical level as well as one the absolute
level. All experience is a result of your brains simulation
constructed out of raw sensory data. On the absolute level there is
never anything outside of reality, it is always infinity unfolding in
the now, and it is you. This absolute will never die or stop
existing. There is no absolute ground, everything that arises exists
within the infinite, dimensionally unrestricted framework of reality.
No solid “outside” reality exists independent of you.
This does not answer any of my
questions. But is showed me that there aren’t really any questions.
And that questions about wanting to get a complete picture of reality
is not something that can be answered. Because that viewpoint would
need to be outside of reality. And therefore it would not be all of
reality. Therefore this question goes on until infinity, just like
reality itself.
This insight has given me a great
feeling of peace at least. This is it and there is no way to “know”
it.
At the same time it gives me additional
motivation for spiritual practice and let them take me to that place
of fully embodying those insights.
Strangely it has taken away a lot of
the fears I had around taking psychedelics. Psychedelics will take
your perception on a wild ride, but there is nothing coming “into”
you from the outside. They are also already part of this reality,
which is you anyways. And in my experience they are powerful tool for
introspection and open you up to all sorts of possibilities. Just
like a child, to whom nothing is impossible per se.